Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Letters That Never Made It To The Mailbox

Dear Christmas,
I know you are coming up fast, with just over two months left.  It may seem like plenty of time, but for a person who likes to handmake stuff, it's already getting to be tight.  For a person who plans on buying a house and moving to said house sometime during the holidays, things are getting busier and busier.  For a person who wants to visit family during Thanksgiving, and use that time to exchange Christmas gifts, time just got a whole month shorter.  If you can't manage to slow time down, could you at least help me be more organized or something?

Thanks so much.
(signed) Handmade Holidays
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Dear Kimble,
You are such a sweet and devoted nursing baby, but darn it all if your sharp "vampire" tooth makes me feel like I'm getting sawed open every time I feed you.   Could you file that thing down or something?  I don't know how much longer I can last.

I love you,
(signed) Momma
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Dear "Lady who stayed put in your very dirty and unorganized house while my realtor and I looked from room to room, even though you are supposed to find someplace else to be while your house is being shown",

I mean, seriously.  Have some pride in your house.  You want it to sell, right?  You might want to do some laundry, instead of having it blockade the path between the living room and the garage.  You might want to clean your bathroom and do your dishes.  You might want to vacuum.  You might want to find out what that terrible smell is, and make it disappear.  You might want to throw away that note that you wrote, and left on your dresser, that says "Get out of my room and don't touch my stuff".   I'm just sayin....  These things might help a bit.

(signed) Not Buyin' Yo' House.
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Dear Packing Family,
I know you were trying to pack up your house, so you could move.  I also know that your house is on the market.  These two things must not blend well together, but if you are accepting showings, then you should really make every effort to make it possible for people to actually walk through your house, instead of being stuck in one room, without a way to pass through the blockade of boxes.

Oh, and while we are going through your house, at least step outside or something.  Having you stare at me as I look at your house, just creeps me out.  Also, could you keep your huge dog from bullying my four-year-old? Doesn't make me want to buy your house.

Stop staring at me already!
-(signed) Still Hoping to Buy A House, But Not Yours.
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Dear Former Employer,
I don't think the act of turning in my hours and asking why I haven't been paid in a month is reason to say "I won't be needing your services any longer".  See, the way it works is, someone works a certain amount of hours, and then they get paid for the certain amount of hours.  It shouldn't have to be asked for.  It shouldn't be delayed.  Hope you figure things out soon, otherwise you might find yourself without any help, and then the job won't get done at all.

-(signed) Unemployed but Happy
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Dear Pile of Unread Books,
I'm just too busy to read any of you, although I long to do so.  Maybe after the holidays are over.  Maybe after we move.  Maybe after my kids grow up.  I don't know.  I'll get back to you.

(signed) Book Lover
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Dear Realtor,
You are being so patient.  I haven't heard a gripe or complaint or a sigh of frustration from you.  I'm sure you are thinking "that house would work fine....why are you buying it?" but instead, you just say "Ok, how about we look again in a few days?"  What a guy.  We like you a lot.   Hope you don't mind all the time we've wasted looking at some "choice" properties.  Do you want more salsa and homemade jam for all your troubles?

(signed) Desperate to Buy, But Not THAT Desperate
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Dear MagicJack.
You are supposed to work.  You don't work.  You suck.  If we go over our cell phone minutes, all because we can't use you, then you'd better be ready to foot the bill.

(signed) It's a good thing I don't talk on the phone a lot.
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Dear Subconscience.
Enough already with the whacked-out dreams.  I don't need the stress in my life. I'd like you much better if you stayed in the background, and didn't make your presence known so intimately.  Stop making me have dreams of showering in front of hundreds of people.  Stop making me house-hunt in my dreams. I already spend too much time doing that, and have too much disappointment from that, to have it invade my dreams too.  Stop making me dream of terrible things happening to my kids. Oh, and while we are at it, stop making me sleep talk.  It's bad enough as it is, but you keep having me sleep talk in sign language to my husband, and he doesn't like seeing me babble with my hands.

(signed) A Fan Of NOT Remembering Dreams
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Dear Former Facebook Friends,
We use to be friends.  Now we are not.  You must have defriended me.  Although this stings a little bit, because I don't know what I did to cause you not to like me anymore, I am quite fine with what you did, because I can't, for the life of me, figure out who is missing from my friend list.  The only reason I know that this happens, is because my total number of friends goes down, without me doing anything.  So you may not see my totally awesome status reports anymore.  You may not see my cute pictures of the kids.  You may not get supporting comments from me.  All of this is just fine, because I don't know who you are anyway.

(signed) I have enough friends without you.
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Dear Gain,
I love how clean-smelling you make my laundry.  You make me happy.  I wish you came in a deodorant, or a perfume, or a lotion.  Could you work on that? Thanks.

(signed) Buried in Laundry.
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Dear Boy Scouts of America,
I think your store is overpriced.  I mean, seriously.  $3.99 for a cheap, spray-painted gold, metal slider?  Not to mention everything else I have to buy just to make sure my scout has all his "accents".  It's too expensive.  You make me mad everytime I go in your store.

(signed) Angry Customer

10 comments:

Megan said...

Can I just put a :). Thanks for the laugh (although I don't understand the unemployment letter) but the rest I do. Good luck with the house hunt. And I think that lady didn't want to sell her house - maybe it's in foreclosure? That note is too funny!

Mags said...

Oh gosh!! I hear ya on the BSA store. I had to go there when I was a leader. WOW!

Sorry about the house hunt. I sure hope something pops up that works for you guys.

Mandi Buchanan said...

Love this!! Thanks for the giggle - I needed it today. I'll be praying that you get some sleep soon with no crazy dreams to stress you out more - hate that! Good luck with everything your blessings have put on your plate! :)

The Mitchells said...

What a creative way to get out all your gripes. House hunting can be pretty interesting, its crazy how disgusting some houses can be, huh? I wonder if anyone ever buys them.

COKE FAMILY said...

Oh how we all wish we could really mail those letters sometimes. Gave me a good laugh!!!

Ande said...

You make me laugh. All those thoughts that roll through your head that you know you can't just say to someone but really want to. Ahhh..... Kimble is so cute and getting so big, glad you had fun with your visitors, maybe someday we can visit and go on those awesome hikes. :)

Colleen said...

Ugh! The Scout store IS SO overpriced! And I am so sorry about the house hunting and random dreams. And the weird employer, wha? At least girls night is coming up! Dear Girls, I am looking forward to a great night with you all! It will be the highlight of the week! Signed, Mommies in Need of Time with the Ladies.

runningfan said...

Dear Shaina,

You are hilarious. I can hear your voice in all your letters. Thanks for playing!!

Love,

Heidi

P.S. I'm glad Tony is working out for you, even if the houses aren't.

Maynards said...

Signing in your sleep huh! That is crazy and really funny. I sure hope the house hunting gets better for you. Isn't it so weird how people will not clean at all and then expect you to buy their home. We even walked in on a couple right in the middle of "you know what." AWKWARD!!!! Ben had to keep telling me, "just pretend the junk isn't here, and then think about the house." I just couldn't do it.

Kati said...

Soooo funny, thanks for the laugh.

I love the smell of gain too. At walmart I found Gain dish soap and it is divine. And i saw a commercial on TV for gain scented fabreeze, Yay!