Saturday, October 10, 2009

Stopping Time

I think if there was ever a moment when I wanted time to stop, I might choose now. The more I learn about what the next month will bring, the more I don't want it to happen.

Yesterday I walked through the Cardiac ICU and the Neonatal ICU. Both places almost brought me to tears. Although I know our baby will be excellently taken care of, it is heartbreaking for me to see what is in his future.

I saw babies heavily sedated so they won't feel the pain that comes after surgery.

I saw so many tubes and monitors attached to the babies, that it made it virtually impossible for anyone to hold them.

I saw feeding tubes replacing breastfeeding.

I saw some babies who had nobody in their rooms.

I saw some mothers sleeping on little fold-out beds, clearly uncomfortable and exhausted.

I saw people eating in the cafeteria, instead of enjoying a nice meal at home with their families.

I saw no siblings visiting their little brother or sister, because it isn't allowed based on all the influx of sickness going around.

I saw how things would be for me, in the weeks I will be there, and I just pray I have the strength to survive it.

I know that it will be just a short time to go through, but that thought doesn't seem to matter right now. It is going to be hard. We were told, during yesterday's appointment, that they could delay surgery for up to a week. That just means that there is one more week of living at the hospital, away from my family. We were also told that they could bring me up there a week or two BEFORE I have the baby, just to ensure that when I go into labor, I am there, instead of worrying about having a super fast labor (like all my other children) and not making it to the hospital in time. I don't want to be up there that long! I think I'd rather take my chances at having a fast labor, and delivering here in Colorado Springs, instead of up in Denver. We'd both get transferred up there the next day anyway, so it doesn't seem that bad of a situation, compared to living up in Denver at the Ronald McDonald house for a week or two. How would we manage the kids during that time? It's just too much to try to move them between houses. So we hope that my OB doctors come up with a different solution, the closer we get.

There is still the possibility that the baby's surgeries could go in a different direction than the original plan. He has a really nice fat artery that they think might be manageable, and if they can get the pulmonary valve to work, by ballooning it, and get blood flow through the right ventricle, there is a small possibility (5% chance) that his heart could become a functioning 4 chamber heart. Although they don't hold much hope for it, there is still something they see on ultrasound that could make it possible. Nothing can be decided until he is born, and they get a better look through all the procedures he will undergo in his first few days of life. We were told that as far as congenital birth defects go, our baby's deformity is a 7, based on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst. His heart formed this way when he was about 8 weeks gestation, and since it's been this way from the beginning, there isn't much chance for his heart to change ways, even with certain surgeries. So that's another reason this new direction of surgeries has such a slim chance of working. Sometimes you just can't change the way nature made things. Again, it's a wait and see scenario.

So, I'm just in the moment right now. I don't want time to move on. Somebody stop the clock.


Jen Sue Wild said...

I have tried to stop time it doesn't work!! If it worked we all would still be living in December of 2005 and William would be alive cuddling in my arms.

I have been where you have been where you have been. playing the wait and see game.

Continue to be positive and ask Heavenly Father for what you need.
The scientific world only knows so much Heavenly father the creator of the heart knows all.

I have seen with my own eyes a heart that should have never beaten beat for 17 days..

If you ask he will give you and your family what you need just continue to have faith and dont be afraid to ask..

Love ya

Sara said...

We will be thinking of and praying for you non-stop these coming weeks!

runningfan said...

I'll be praying for you.

Maynards said...

Time is an amazing thing isn't it. Never changing. I hope you can find comfort that all will happen in the Lords time. There are so many prayers going out for you, your family and your precious little baby. We will continue to add ours.
Hang in there. I am here if you need me. And I am more than willing to help out with whatever you may need once the baby comes.

SarahB said...

Shaina, you don't know me and I've hardly ever commented, but just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and your baby boy. I'm a bit north of Denver and have made the trip to Children's many times, so if there is anything at all I can do to help while you are there, just email me.

Adri said...

I have never had so strong a desire to change time as I did the morning after Dallin was born. In my not-quite-awake state I instinctively reached down to my tummy to pat the baby. I quickly realized he was no longer there, safe in my womb. He was down the hall, in the hands of strangers who were trying to save his life. I LONGED with all the longing I could imagine I had, that it was yesterday.

I continue to pray for you everyday.

DougandSheilah said...

My heart goes out to you. NICU is not fun, but the nurses are always nicer. Benjamin was in there for 2weeks and had a feeding tube. I'm just glad that I had no other children at the time. You will make it and be stronger for it although your heart might feel like breaking into millions of pieces. I feel for you guys.

Colleen said...

Even though I am ready for our baby to come, I would stop time and be pregnant forever for you, my friend, if I could! I am sure Friday was so hard. I wish I had words to comfort properly. Our prayers continue, and 5% is a chance I am holding on to! Miracles happen, and I know this baby is well cared for by his mommy, his doctors and his Father in Heaven!

pudgepalace said...

Shaina and family,
Just a note to let you know I will be praying for all of you and the baby and the doctors. Your blog has been a blessing to me. Praying for God's comfort and peace and confidence in the coming weeks.

Jeff and Lori said...

I too am praying for you, your family, and your sweet baby. I can also help, with food or babysitting or whatever, when the time comes!

Anonymous said...

i'm so sorry for you! that has got to be hard!

LollyChops said...

I am praying for you Shaina. For you and the baby and your family. I know you can do this! Just hang in there and put your faith in Him and He will give you the guidance and strength you need to make it through. Big HUG little mama.

Vix said...

You will be in my thoughts over the coming months. I am very inspired by you both by you both on the craft side and as a person.

Although I am not of your faith I hope you will not be offended by my asking mine to watch over you, your family and your special little boy. He is a very lucky child to be born into such an obviously loving and wonderful family. Many Blessings to you all x

The Brown's Sanitarium said...

speaking from experience,i can honestly say you are gonna handle this wonderfullly. you will take it one day at a time! and you will be so thankful because nothing is more humbling that being in the NICU. you learn to count your blessings. it gives you time to reflect on all that your family has been blessed with and time to reflect on how precious and surprisingly strong those little bodies are. we do not give then enough credit.