Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Worst Diet Ever

Warning: This diet will most likely be very intense and last for about 24 hours, will do more harm than good, and has one characteristic that no other diet can claim: It will unavoidably inflict itself on anyone else you come in contact with, thereby forcing itself on others whether they want to diet or not. This diet has had its name cursed again and again. My friends, it is the 24 hour flu.

It attacks fast. In a matter of minutes, you go from "I'm fine and groovy" to "I feel terrible". Your body starts to feel icky. You can actually see your tummy rumbling and churning. This isn't going to be fun.

An unfortunate side effect to this diet is that most of your time will be divided pretty equally between the bathroom and your bed. Not much exercising is incorporated into this diet, unless you count bending over (either on the toilet or leaning over the toilet) as a workout, although you definitely get some abdominal thrusting going on. Oh, and it will be a long, LONG time, until you can even imagine eating that particular meal again.

You are pretty much limited to lying in bed for this diet duration, as your body is really too weak to do anything else. Even clicking through channels on the tv, or holding a book, draws too much strength. Don't even think about trying to walk down the hallway, or down the stairs. If you happen to have a baby to nurture during this time, all you can do is lie in bed together, throw a few toys his way, and hope his boredom and lack of scenery changes bring about long naps.

Food. Forget about it. The thought of it; the smell of it; the commercials about it; the exclusive channel on tv about it. No way. Not even tempting.

Oh, and because you are dehydrated, you'll get a monstrous headache.

After a while, you can takes sips of liquid. My preference is Gingerale. You might even try a nibble of a dry cracker. My preference is Ritz. You can even get up and take a bath, but don't even try to blowdry your hair. You'll take lots of naps. You will probably miss your favorite tv show in the whole entire world. This diet consumes you. By the time it is gone, you are left feeling very grateful that you have made a turn for the better, although you are still very weak and tired, and probably still will make sudden trips to the bathroom, although it will lessen within a few days.

Meanwhile, it's time to care for the next victim of the diet.


purejoy said...

just catching up from being away from my blog friends… and look what i find!! so sorry you're not feeling well, and hopefully the diet won't be a craze to hit the whole family (especially lil kimb)
praying for your swift recovery and for your heart as you prepare for kimble's journey.
thinking of you (but keeping my distance)

runningfan said...


But somehow, in your misery, you are still funny!

Jen Sue Wild said...

I think I will skip that diet.
Hope you are feeling better..

Colleen said...

Ug! I thuoght you meant the FLU flu, not stomach flu. :(. I am so sorry. Mommies should never have to go thrugh that. It's just cruel. I hope Kimble is spared this diet! And in your misery, you still cracked me up.

Kristi said...

So sorry! Maddie and Clark both went on this diet... And poor Clark's lasted longer. Hope you are feeling better now.

Jen said...

oh I hate that diet. I had it last month. Hope you are feeling better and no one else gets it. Sorry too that we didn't get to see you. Next trip for sure.

dippyrooroo said...

Uhg!So sorry!