Wednesday, February 23, 2011

To Whom It May Concern

Dear Naked Grannies,
I walked back into the gym locker room, after completing my workout, to find you two sitting on the bench in front of my locker, chatting about your water aerobics class.  Neither of you showed any modesty, as you were rubbing lotion over your entire body, without a stitch of clothing, or covering, to be found.  I managed to get my things by blindly groping around the inside of the locker, while averting my eyes to a safe place.  While you don't seem to mind your nakedness, some of the rest of us are very uncomfortable.  For the sake of public ease, please try to use your towel as more than just a thing to cover the bench with.

Modestly yours,
Fellow Gym User

(I received an email from a blog reader who suggested I was rude and insensitive with this "letter".  That was not my intention at all.  If there is any fault to be had, it's that I was uncomfortable with the nakedness, not that they were in the wrong.  I'll just keep averting my eyes during my time in the locker room.)

Dear Home Loan,
I just got a letter from you that you overestimated some charges, pertaining to the home loan that we closed on in December. The (almost) 400 dollar check enclosed in the letter more than made my day.  Please don't apologize for any "inconveniences this may have caused".  I only wish you would have messed up a bit more!

Home Owner

Dear Kolby,
I really tried hard to please you yesterday, but darn it all, you make it so hard!  The can't-see-the-floor-through-the-mess in your bedroom, after it had been beautifully cleaned a few hours previously, really set me on edge.  The fact that you (1) ignored my instructions to clean your bathroom (your chore this week) and instead, (2) stole fruit snacks and ate them in said bathroom, and (3) that you watched your baby brother dump 1/2 a gallon of honey across the kitchen floor, pretty much made me deny you of all privileges for a very long time.  Also, the dessert I made for the family...You ate the entire pan after everyone went to bed.  What am I going to do with you?

At A Loss,
Your Mean Mean Mother

Dear Keaton,
You have had the same chore for almost four weeks now.  When you shirk off in your responsibilities, and don't do your work correctly, it is given to you for another week, so you can become a master at it.  The kitchen is not hard.  I work alongside you, and do most of the work myself.  You need to empty the dishwasher, clean and wipe the counters/table, and sweep.  Not hard.  And yet, an hour will go by and you've barely removed two forks from the dishwasher.  I know you know how to do it, and yet, you won't.  This morning, after looking at the disastrous kitchen, I asked you if you even cared that you didn't get your work done before school.  Your shrug said it all.  Between you and your brother, you are very lucky you had to get to school.  It saved your butt.

The Kitchen Is Waiting For You When You Get Home From School

Dear Solicitor,
Even though I have a sign on my door that says "No Soliciting", you wrongly thought that it didn't pertain to you.  You offered me a free estimate to see what state of damage my roof was in, pertaining to wind, hail, and years of neglect.  When I declined, you said with a sneer "Well, then, I sure hope your roof doesn't leak on you or cave in your house, causing you a fortune of damages."  I was so stunned at the change in your personality, from a "polite and smiling salesman" to a "vindictive and bitter old man", that I closed the door in your face and locked it again.  I  don't ever want to see you on my property again, or I will call the police.

Pay attention to the No Soliciting Sign, Jerk.

Dear Husband,
I came home Monday morning, from my workout, to find you vigorously cleaning the house.  You never looked so good.

With Love,

Dear Tax Return,
Although I didn't get to spend any of you, because you went exclusively to pay debt, I am happy to have you. 

Income Tax Payer

Dear Kimble,
You are into everything now.  You want to climb up on things you shouldn't climb, you squish your fingers in drawers you shouldn't open, and you put things in your mouth that you shouldn't.  You certainly keep me running.  I'm so happy you are healthy enough to do all those things.  Keep it up.

At your beck and call,

Dear Dollar Theater Patrons,
It was a super crowded showing of MegaMind on Monday afternoon, with hardly a seat to be found.  You all were very patient with the vocalizations that Kimble made with disagreeance, in having to sit through a movie.  The Husband and I took turns standing up with him in the back of the theater, but even then, he could not be quieted, and the people in the back were even more annoyed at our change in location.  Finally The Husband chose to sit out in the hallway with Kimble, and missed out on the movie.  I'm sure you all breathed a sigh of relief when he left with Kimble.

We learned our lessons; no more movies for Kimble, for a long time.


Julia said...

This is a great post. It makes us all realize that we have similar lives. Also, I'm sure it helped to write down some of these things just to relieve the frustration.

kdaygirl said...

My thoughts exactly! I am glad you are able to have a place to express yourself freely!

I guess when you get to be that age, modesty is the least of your worries; however they dont need to be the least of ours!

kendra said...

your letters always crack me up. if you figure out how to get your boys to do their chores will you come get mine to do theirs? thanks...

purejoy said...

wow on the nekkid grannies. and yes. write on… it's not like you sent it to them… did you?

i don't know what i'd do with willful disobedience like you are speaking about. boys exerting their own wills is a good thing… good luck enforcing those boundaries. looks like you've got some wild ponies there!


Love the letters...I'm glad the gym ladies were at least using a towel to cover the bench.

The Girls' Mom said...

Keaton must be nine, My nine year old has an interesting picture if a clean kitchen too

Colleen said...

Funny as always! Good luck getting Keaton to toe the line. Our battle with Ben is homework. Nothing fun about making a kid do what they don't want to do even though you have to make them do it anyway! And about the people leaving odd/rude commentary on your posts, it's amazing the time/effort people put out trying to make others feel bad about themselves. It sounds like this person needs to get the mote out of her own eye!

Sara said...

LOVED the naked grandmother blog! We all have at least one them at our gym, bless their little naked, carefree hearts. The "how to avert your eye game" without seeming awkward or obvious is one I'm still working at! Pretty funny. Maybe in another 30 years we'll feel that liberated and at peace with our own bodies, eh? Who needs towels?!! Air drying is much more gentle on the skin! :)

Trinette McCrary said...

I guess you won't be getting the naked granny calendar for Christmas this year.

Claire said...

LOL. I read the note to your fruit snack eating son to my husband. We both laughed. Your Dear Kimble letter could have been written to dear Karl.

Maynards said...

There was a naked granny sitting right in front of my locker last year. It was a bad experience. There is nothing wrong with wanting people to cover up a little more.
Let me know if you find a trick that works with your boys, and I will try it with mine.

L said...

About 20 years ago, I drove your Sister's Brownie Troop to a Exercise place on a field trip. A very naked old lady insisted on struting all around the girls for the hour or more we were there. She was definitely an exibitionist. I was totally embarressed for her and the girls! Her behavior was inexcusable! There can and should be modesty in the locker room.