Wednesday, August 10, 2011

2 Years Ago...

Yesterday was a serene day for me. I had a lot of calmness, quietness, and thoughtfulness flood my senses as I thought about what has transpired from that emotional day, two years ago, when I first received the news during my followup ultrasound: "Your baby has some very serious heart defects and won't survive after birth without immediate intervention."

I thought about what a wreck I was as I drove to my friend's house to pick up my other four kids, and how I tried so hard to mask my emotions, but failed miserably, as my friend who was equally pregnant, comforted me without knowing what was wrong until I could manage to talk.

I thought about that following weekend, as I tried to relax my mind enough to sleep so that I could escape the consuming worry and dread for a few moments.

I thought about all the times concerned people called to comfort me, and to get more information on our baby's diagnosis, and how it just didn't seem like this should be my reality now.

I thought about all the followup ultrasounds I had for the next three months, each time receiving more of the puzzle pieces to this new world that we were now a part of, and how with each appointment, ultrasound, NICU tour, or consult we had, the news just kept going from bad to worse.

I thought about  the day they told me he had a cleft lip as well, and how I suddenly understood the phrase "it was the straw that broke the camel's back".

I thought about the day he was born.  Holding my sweet baby for two minutes before he was taken to the ICU.  I remembered falling asleep across his NICU bed, with our hands touching, my arms aching to hold  him. 

I remember getting moved to The Children's Hospital, and the feeling I got when I heard the words "Of course you can hold him!"

I remember the anxiousness of waiting for surgeries to be completed. Of seeing my baby's tiny chest go from perfection, to scarred.

I remember that one terrible night post-surgery, and how I stood with my husband's arms around me as we watched our little baby go between life and death as his whole team of doctors and nurses swarmed around him all night and worked as though their hands were guided by our Father in Heaven.

I remember the relief I felt when after five weeks of hospital life, they said "You and your baby get to go home today!"

I thought about those months at home before his next surgeries, and how I treasured every moment I had with my baby Kimble; relishing the fact that I could hold him without the hindrance of cords and monitors.

I thought about that morning before his third surgery, when he was 7 months old, and how I truly believed that would be the last time I would get to hold my sleeping baby against me, and feel his slow and steady breathing and have his heart beating against my chest.

I thought about how relieved I was, when he recovered so fast from that surgery, and I was able to take my sweet baby home again with me.

I thought about when he turned one.  A moment I didn't dare hope for when I first heard his diagnosis.

I thought about when my baby took his first steps at 17 months old, and then nothing could stop him from moving and exploring the world. He was no longer a weak and frail cardiac baby.  He was strong!

I thought about all of this yesterday, as I watched my Mr. Kimble play "vroom" with his toy cars, and "raaahhrr" with his dinosaurs; how he stood by the door waiting for someone to make the mistake of not closing it all the way so that he could escape outside; how he curled up with his blanket and held onto his binkie when I put him down for his nap; how I came home from the farmer's market to find Kimble sitting on a kitchen chair, sharing some dinner with his daddy; and finally, how he curled up next to me in my bed, as we watched Master Chef, listening to his giggles and rubbing his back as he gave me loves.

Two years has brought some significant changes to our little household.  Kimble is now 21 months old, 25 pounds, and growing out of his size 4 shoes.  He likes to use a fork at dinner, has been weaned from  his bottle, and is starting to like "swimming" in the bathtub.  He repeatedly climbs atop our dining room table, steals knives out of the dishwasher, and goes for the bathroom any time someone neglects to close the door.  It is a struggle to keep him happy during the first hour of church meetings, he loves fruit, and still takes two medications every day.

We love you so much, little Kimble.  Every moment, every struggle, every was all worth it.


Erica Hettwer said...

Just tearing up reading this. Go, Kimble, go!!!

Our journey with Mickey's accident was only a few days but it still hits me at different times. Yesterday I walked by his room, his messy, messy room and was overcome with relief that I still had him around to mess up that room. :)

linda said...

Kimble is an amazing little guy, and he is so adorable.

runningfan said...

Congratulations on this happy milestone!

Maynards said...

precious post. That was quite a year!

Me said...

It's unfortunate that it sometimes takes the hardships of another to remember your own blessings you've taken for granted. Of course, I was a little teary and snotty nosed while reading this, but at the same time, I couldnt hold back a smile. It's the little things; the blanky and binky at nap time, the snuggles while watching tv, the attempts at escape (haha), that remind me of my little Jett. Thank you for your strength through all of this and sharing your pain, struggles, and giggles with your readers. You remind me, and maybe others, that I truly am blessed to have my children. They are a gift from Heaven. Kimble is such an adorable boy! He really is God's perfect little angel. I'm so glad I'm getting to know you and your family. Thank you again, for sharing.

Dan and Katie said...

I may be an emotional pregnant women, but that was beautiful...what a miracle! Then it makes me think about you and me in the NICU with my baby and everything you helped me with. Full blown crying now, gotta go.

Heath said...

I love you so very very much my little son. Your mother and I are so greatful for every day and every minute that we have you with us. We are thankful to the Lord for allowing us to love you. You have changed us forever in such a good way and brought us closer together as a family and as your Mother and Father. And some we may not have discovered yet. You have made me a much better person my son just by being able to love and take care of you as your Father. I hope that our good luck continues with your health and that the Lord allows us to have you for a very long time to come. And if not your mother and I are prepared to love and take care of you as long as the Lord allows us too.
I love you and your Mother loves you so very much my little son.
-Your Father-

Jen Sue Wild said...

I am so glad that Kimble is here and doing so well. He is such a sweet little boy and I am so glad I get to be apart of his life. I love you baby boy.

Colleen said...

I will never forget that day either. And what gratitude I have for today, two years later when all of that seems like just a bad dream. He is a perfectly developing little 21 month old! He and Tommy could walk the halls of the first hour of church together...that's where we always are too! :)

Diana said...

This was a beautiful post, Shaina! So touching and beautiful. I can only imagine what you've been through but I'm certainly grateful you have a little toddler to brighten each day because that is what toddlers are for.

dippyrooroo said...

Shaina, that was beautiful. I'm so grateful for the miracles that Heavenly Father allows us to witness. God is good!

Karen and Matt said...

Shaina that was a really touching post, beautiful! I can only imagine what it was like for you. Kimble is an amazing miracle! I'm so glad he is doing so well. =)

Jeff and Lori said...

This post just warms my heart. Love to you and sweet Kimble.