Saturday, January 21, 2012

Facebook Funnies 2011

So I thought I'd entertain you with a few (more than a few) facebook posts from throughout the year.  They are in reverse order, starting with most recent and going back through the year. I also started a dream recap series, which includes a few highlights from the dreams I remembered having, upon wakening in the morning.  Hope you enjoy!

I got a call from The Husband, as I was out running errands. I told him I couldn't talk right then, and ended the call. When I called back, to tell him I was next in line at the post office and that's why I couldn't talk, he breathed a sigh of relief. His first thought was that I had been kidnapped; held hostage by a big ugly man, and was forced to act nonchalant, even though I was under duress. What a protective husband I have! (and what an active imagination he has too!)

Felt strangely validated when my sister, who is a new mommy to her first baby boy, called me up last week and asked "how on earth do you ever get anything done?" Ha!

Thinks it's curious that The Man In The Yellow Hat can afford an apartment in NYC and a house in the country, but only one outfit for himself and no clothing for his monkey-son.

We had tacos for dinner. Kennedy said "No lettuce for me. Lettuce makes me wiggle and I just want no wiggling tonight."

Somewhere in this house is a brand new bottle of pomegranate dishsoap. According to the evidence left behind in the grocery bag, it is also oozing it's contents. You would think we could find it; that it would be obvious. A soapy trail...something. Nope. Wherever Mr. Kimble took it, it's hidden amazingly well. Perhaps he should be a magician for Halloween, then he could "Abra Cadabra" it back to my kitchen, because I need it

Today we saw Kimble throw the missing bottle of dishsoap down the stairs. We all stared at him perplexed, because we looked EVERYWHERE in the house, and couldn't find it (see previous post) then just like that, he had it in his hands and chucked it down the stairs. I really think he IS Houdini.

"I just keep getting more hair on my arms and legs mom! Guess being a 4th grader changes everything." -Keaton

Kimble ate the nose of my styrofoam head model. Now she looks like voldamort.

I sent Kennedy to school with a cute headband on, and she came home with it across her forehead like Rambo. Which way do you think she wore it for her school pictures? We shall see!

When asked Kolby if he was a good boy while I was gone to parent/teacher conferences, he pulls out a used sacrament cup and says "Yup. I just filled this up and drank it, so all my sins are gone now."

Woke up an hour late, to get the kids off to school (7:04am instead of 6am). Got the kids out the door at 7:12am, and thought we did good until I heard Kennedy shout back "I only brushed my top teeth, so I could be faster, Momma!"

This morning The Husband made waffles for everyone while I took a HOT shower and used up all the hot water. Fair trade?

This Morning's Interrupted Dream: I was adopting a baby (and breastfeeding talented am I?) and realized his name did not start with a K. So while chatting with my good friends Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, together we went through a list of suggested K names. By the end of the dream, I still didn't have a K name, but with Katie and I wearing matching overalls, I was completely satisfied with the progress we had made.

I texted the husband saying "I love you more than you love Spaghetti" ... only when I looked at what the auto correct put in, it said " I love you more than you love your ghetti". So funny.

Kennedy brings me one of her library books this morning and says "Momma, I'm just gonna look at this book during scriptures, because I don't really listen to you when you read them anyway."

Kolby actually did his homework (1) fast, (2) by himself, (3) without a fit, and (4) with a happy attitude. I'm amazed by what a fabulous mother I must be.

Overheard Kennedy saying to Keaton "You have to listen to momma, because she's older than all of us...well, except for Kamy. She's the oldest of all."

I called to Kimble, because I hadn't heard him for a few minutes, and he didn't reply. So I went looking for him. He was in his crib, curled up almost to the point of sleep, and was sucking on his binkie. I guess he wanted his binkie bad enough to figure out how to climb into his crib. At least he followed my rule of No Binkies Out of Bed. What an obedient boy I have.

When I asked Keaton to do his chores, he replied "but mom, I just want to be like most Mormon men and just relax and do nothing after church."

Right now Kennedy is snorting like a pig while dragging a laughing Kimble down the stairs on his belly. Kolby is doing everything BUT his chores. Keaton is bench pressing our kitchen bench for exercise, and the husband is watching cycling on TV. What's happening at your house?

Kennedy is outside cutting the grass with a big knife. Instead of stopping her, I sit and watch.

Last night, as I was sewing, I was listening to 60's music and singing along. Kamy came over and said "What kind of music is that? I guess back in the olden days you didn't have that great of music to listen to, like we do now."

Kolby liked his birthday present so much, that he slept in them. Who knew rollerblades and flannel pajamas make good bedmates.

One of Keaton's classmates was wearing one of my headbands today; I guess her mom bought one from me at the farmer's market. He told her all about how his mom makes "amazing headbands of all different colors and also makes some famous chicken enchilada dip". To that last comment, I raised my eyebrows and he said "Well, you do!"

The Husband came home early and found me napping. Guess I lost all my credibility about what I do all day.

This morning's dream: I was kidnapped by Danny Davito, who took all my money and my car, then told me to go into this Panda Express type of place to order some orange chicken. I ordered the "kidnapped special" hoping they would rescue me, but the guy was just annoyed that he had to make a special order. Then this other customer asked me to sign her yearbook. I'd never met her before, but signed "What a great year, right? Help me. I'm kidnapped!"

The husband torched the huge black widow in our window well.

Before we left for Kamy to get her "middle school shots", Georgie gave her a pep talk. "Now Kamy. Be brave! I know you can do it! It's just a shot. Don't cry!"

Today's interrupted dream: I flew to Chicago to meet up with my boyfriend, Robert Pattinson, where we were starting to watch a movie in a theater. The seat next to him had a carton of eggs, which he was trying to protect. Midway through the movie, everyone except Robert got sucked into the movie via this crazy black goo that warped us into the screen. Robert was left with his eggs, wondering how to get us out again.

Kolby just asked me if I was a Pre-Teen. Maybe he was trying to tell me I needed to act my age.

"Do you know how Heavenly Father makes us?" Georgie asked me. Before I could reply, she said "He makes a seed and plants it, and it turns into a human plant."

Kimble handed me a rock. Only, it wasn't a rock, but a large clump of soiled kitty litter.

Kamy just said "Mom, what if I grew up and married a lion? That would be a problem, because I'm an omnivore, and he's a carnivore, and that would cause lots of fights."

Folded a weeks worth of laundry, and only had two pairs of boys underwear in the mix. Something's not right.

Kolby told Kennedy to listen to him and she replied "of course I will because I am in love with you."

Kamy said "Mom, people in France kiss with their tounges!"

While eating her sandwich at the reservoir, Kennedy said "If that eagle swoops down here and eats my food I'll kick it!"

Today's interrupted dream: I was flying like a bird, using special crayola markers as power and fuel, searching for a special rock, hidden in a crevasse, that would make me all powerful, but my plans were being thwarted by Barbara Walters, who was flying behind me with her own set of magical markers. So I grabbed her markers and threw them away, and punched her in the face, but she only managed to gain momentum.

During the dinner prayer, Kennedy said "...and please bless Satan, that he'll be a good boy".

Keaton: "I can't wait to get to heaven so I can ride a Tyrannosaurus Rex!"

At the zoo, Kennedy kept running from winged insects. Keaton said "Come on George! Are you scared of everything that flies? Kennedy responded "Yes. Everything...except Jesus of course."

As The Husband and I were at the store, getting fixin's for our BBQ, the kids (at home) thought they heard someone trying to open the garage and break-in (the 30 mph wind is furious today!) and so they prepared themselves. Kolby got a golf club. Keaton got a chainsaw. Kamy got a homemade bow (a stick with a robe sash tied to it) and Georgie hid in a laundry basket.

Kamy told me that she speaks dog.

This mornings interrupted dream: My mom was trying desperately to blowdry my hair, even at my persistence for her not to, as I was arguing with my husband, who turned into Nicholas Cage mid dream, that I would NOT play Jane in the new Tarzan movie.

Keaton's math joke of the day: "Man, I feel so bad for the multiplication numbers that have to carry the 1. Must be so heavy for them..."

Kennedy just asked the question for which there is no verifiable answer. "What is a hot dog made out of?"

With exuberance, Kennedy popped her head around the corner and said "For my birthday, I really want a windmill. Oh, and I just don't like cheese in my pocket!" Then she skipped to the potty.

Kennedy had a black ant crawling on her. She said "The ant is tickling me. Does that mean it's pooping?"

Mr. Kimble has discovered the joy of splashing in toilet water. I am saddened by this grievous turn of events.

Mr. Kimble is getting rather forceful with his kisses. I think I need to teach him how to be a gentleman.

Changed Kimble's massively disgusting diaper this morning, and Keaton helped. Afterward, he said "That was just horrible, mom. I don't think I'm cut out to be a babysitter. There's just too much stuff that happens with diapers."

Yesterday afternoon, Heath and I watched as Kolby stood on the sidewalk corner. When a jogger passed by, he lifted up his arm and said "Expelliarmus!" When he came back inside, we asked Kolby what he said, for we couldn't hear him, we just guessed because he always says that. He said "Uh, I said....hey." I think we like our version of it better!

We were woken up by Kimble, standing in his crib, with empty milk bottles strewn around him as if they were discarded beer cans. "More" his cry seemed to say, as he lay back down with a belch and a nod.

When sent to bed, Keaton proclaimed: "I got a letter from the President of the United States today. He said that all kids can stay up and NEVER go to bed!"

Kolby's birthday is one month before Keaton's, and according to Kolby, that means he's older than Keaton. It's a source of frustration for Keaton, and today, during lunch, I overheard him say with the utmost seriousness, "Now Kolby, according to all my calculations, I will always and forever be almost two years older than you." Kolby looked at Keaton and said "I think you got your calculations wrong."

Kolby went outside to play, after school, instead of doing homework like we always do. To justify his disobedience, he said "But mom, today we learned what the word 'socializing' means, and I was just doing what I learned at school! Homework, right?"

Georgie is obsessed with getting her ears pierced. She keeps pulling back my hair and saying "Hmm...mommma. Those are some pretty nice holes you got there."

Came home from the gym to find The Husband cleaning the house. He never looked so good!

After calling Georgie "Sweetie", Keaton said " don't usually say that. It was nice. Good job learning a new word!"

This morning, Georgie said "Momma, when I grow up, you are going to be a grandma, and then you will die. When you die, can I have your pretty lipstick?" Oh, such a tender moment.

Keaton said at dinnertime: "I just can't imagine what heaven is like. I mean, all the beautiful mountains and forests and deserts. Caves and oceans and all the cowboys. Must be amazing."

Last night at dinner, Georgie announced to us "I have a love life". When pressed for details, she was demure.

Keaton just got home from school and said "Man, I'm never using the boys' bathrooms at school. That have these weird "number one" toilets that go all the way to the floor."


Karen and Matt said...

I love this!!! Some great posts over the year.

Shavonne said...

Haha, faceless manequin = Voldemort.
Great summary! I love your posts :)

Angie said...

I love your posts and can you be my facebook friend so I can have a smile everyday.

Colleen said...


Becky said...

Those are fun! Thanks for sharing. I can't wait for the day my siblings call and ask how I do it, instead of saying "why can't you just play anymore?" (at 2:00am)

Lydia Davis said...

My favorite, and oh so true comment; "there's just too much stuff that happens with diapers."
Thanks for sharing.

Heath said...

So funny Babes. I could not stop laughing. We don't own a chain saw though. Must have been the big bow saw he was holding.

Sandy said...

So sweet! Thanks for the chuckles.