Friday, April 27, 2012

In The Moment

There are so many things that I do, happenings I witness, thoughts I have, and moments where I feel like I'm being shouted at "Remember this.  This is something to cherish.  This won't last long."

In reality, this is something everyone should feel with each of their children, and I have to say, there are definitely times when I focus those thoughts on any one of my other children.  That being said, more often than not, these feelings are about Kimble.

That shouldn't surprise anyone.  Perhaps it makes people think that I love one child above another, which I don't, but when one child's life is threatened on a daily basis, because of how his little body came into this world with extra challenges, it becomes more real in every single one of the moments that you are with him.

Perhaps I am too dramatic for my own good.  I know that although every one of my family members recognizes that Kimble's life expectancy may not be as long as we would hope, I think I am really the only one that lets it infuse every single breath I take, and every single heartbeat of Kimble's that I feel through his scarred chest.  I am absolutely saturated with love for him, and overwhelmed at the thought that my daily interactions with him could be stalled.

I have complete faith in the plan of salvation, and that if Kimble's mortal life ends short, that he will be held in the arms of our Savior, until the time when we can all be together again.  Families are forever.  We will be together forever, even if we are separated for a bit in this earthly life.

Still, knowing that doesn't make the tears stop when I think about Kimble dying.  It doesn't make me stop worrying about his next surgery and the fact that even if everything surgically goes as planned, there may just be another road for us to journey on.  It doesn't stop my fear from taking over in the early morning, when I creak open his bedroom door and see him lying still in his bed.

Maybe I'm too focused on myself and my selfish thoughts of how much I will miss him.  When I look through pictures, I realize that he isn't just my sweet little baby boy who says "momma" with the cutest voice imaginable. 

He is the little brother who likes to race his brothers and sisters down the stairs on their bellies.

He is the one who shouts "yay!" when we take him for a walk around the block in his stroller, and who everyone fights to get a turn to push him.

 He makes sliding down on your belly, head first, through the twisty slide fun again for the kids who are too old during school hours to play on the slides.  He is the teeter to someone else's totter.

He is someone who will play tag with his sister for as long as she will let him, and then when he sees a camera, he instantly stops what he's doing, looks in the camera, and says "Cheeeeese" because he knows that is what cameras are for.

 He is someone who likes to have little friends over to play. He will show them his toys and his cars and he will even share his snack.

Kimble will snuggle with you on your bed, when you watch "DeeDah" (tv) and will even pat the space next to him as invitation to scoot closer.

He is the hungry boy who wants the food on your plate, instead of the food on his own plate, and as soon as you look the other way, he will snatch what he wants as quick as he can.

He is the little boy in the shopping cart at the store, who will wave  and say "Bye!  Bye!  Bye!" to every person who passes our way.

He is the little boy who giggles with pleasure when his daddy play-wrestles with him, and he is the boy who will stare out the window all day long, until he gets his turn to run and play outside.

Every day, he puts a smile on my face. He makes all of us so happy.  I sincerely pray that he gets to be with me, and everyone else that loves him, for as long as possible, but just in case...we are sure enjoying being in the moment.


Amy and her little family said...

It's so wonderful that you already have the knowledge of the gospel that I've only had for the last year and that you can find peace in whatever happens. I really, truly hope that God's will is for Kimble to live a long, happy life with you guys on this earth. But I'm also glad that God's hand is in everything and if his mission is to serve elsewhere, that yall will be able to find comfort in that as well. Just don't let a moment pass without feeling grateful, even if he lives to be 100. That is one blessed boy.

Karen and Matt said...

The plan of salvation is a wonderful thing. I really hope and pray it is in God's will that you will have kimble with you here on earth for a long long long long time. He is such a cute little boy! Just continue living and loving each moment with him. Love these pictures! =)

courtney said...

I'm sorry that you have to constantly worry about Kimble from day to day, it shouldn't have to be that way. I think about Kimble and my niece on Jared's side and think about how the doctors said they wouldn't even make it and yet we have been blessed to have them in our lives for the past couple of years. I don't want to imagine life being any different, I am glad the odds didn't work out and we have their sweet spirits touching our lifes daily! I am glad that the blessings given to them brought them this far and hopefully, continued blessings will keep them with us to a very very ripe old age!

Becky said...

Kimble is a special little guy for sure. I don't blame you for worrying. You are doing a great job of enjoying the moments though..and hopefully those moments with Kimble will continue to happen for a long long time.

Sue said...

I don't comment much, but I still check in on your cute little family. I have always tried to look for the silver lining in trials (otherwise, what's the point). When my little baby went back to heaven, one of the things that changed me the most was all the time I spent loving and living in the moment. I appreciated all the little things my kids did and even the hard things were faced with more patience. Kimble is a strong boy and he is going to fight his whole life through. He's also here to show you joy and quiet moments of peace. He's going to be a glue to your family. What a blessing to have him. I loved to read this post. It stated so many of the things I have often felt. Silver lining for sure. I'm so glad you have him to make your whole family complete.

Colleen said...

Such a sweet, tender, love-filled post! Thank you for sharing these personal, emotional thoughts.

Jude said...

All we can do is enjoy the moment - with all our children - but that little guy certainly seems to make it so easy for you all to enjoy! :-) Jude.x